Whether you’re alone or piled into the lounge room with the same squad from the previous night, the purpose of a movie when you’re grappling with a hangover can vary. For some, it’s an escape from the pain, something to take the edge off. For others, it’s a cocoon thing – something you have to do, before emerging as a less-hungover butterfly, back out in the world for work (or perhaps a late brunch).
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One thing is for sure though, the right flick can be as effective as coffee, Berocca and half-assed jokes with your pals over breakfast, combined.
But when you’re in a fragile state, there are some films that are just way too much. For example, you don’t want to fuck with Spielberg’s Schindlers List when you’re emotions are resting just below the surface and ready to pounce. Nor should you opt for total crap either – just because you’re hung, it doesn’t mean you’re an animal. What you’re really looking for is something in the middle – not too deep thematically, but not ‘kiddie-pool’ shallow either.
Think top-quality B-grade action flicks or throwback comedies that reach inside your brain, grab a handful of serotonin and drag it to wherever it needs to go. So if that’s you right now – a smouldering wreck oozing last night’s antics from your pores – or you’ve got a huge night coming up and like to be prepared, this list is your new dusty bible.
Without further delay, here are the Top 20 Best Movies To Watch Hungover.
The epitome of premium B-grade, the recent Aquaman starring Jason Mamoa is a visual spectacle to behold – even if the script was written in crayon. What it does successfully, is ‘entertain’, mostly thanks to our favourite Dothraki horse-king and his charming persona. It’s easy-going, fun and the producers of the film might have been just as hungover as you when putting it together in the editing room, so there is common ground to be had.
Once a year, crime is legal. If only that fourth shot you snapped back last night was too. Starring Ethan Hawke and Lena Headey (of Cersei Lannister fame), the Purge is a super fun movie, packaged as a horror to be reckoned with – thankfully the jump scares are minimal, and the creative premise of the film is enough to take you out of your head for a couple of hours.
It’s hard to put a finger on, but the ‘international’ elements in this movie make for an excellent hangover buster. Maybe it’s because it reminds us that there are larger forces at play than our splitting headache? More importantly, MONSTERS V ROBOTS!!!!! What more could you ask for?
Of all of Rogen’s stoner comedies, Pineapple Express is arguably his best. Shot by David Gorden Green, this movie is deceptively beautiful, whilst offering up dumb laughs at the same time. If you threw up in a printer last night – or anything for that matter – this movie is for you.
Shaun Of The Dead
If you’re in need of a movie to make feel better about texting your ex at 3 am like a horny zombie, then Shaun of The Dead is the perfect escape. As an added bonus Nick Frost’s character is essentially ‘us’ after a big night, every day of his life, so you’re guaranteed to feel better about yourself at the end of it.
For those who prefer shock-therapy as a hangover cure, Resident Evil is both a nostalgic horror throwback and a genuinely dodgy film, making it an almost perfect candidate for any couch-barons out there. Mila Jovovich in that slip dress doesn’t hurt either.
Gun-karate. Keanu Reeves. Revenge. Motorcycles. Night clubs. Hot babes. Actual Karate. ‘Nuff said.
The Other Guys
Having starred in more than a few movies together, Will Ferrell and Mark Whalberg’s chemistry is, without question, on-point in The Other Guys. And if your body-chemistry is feeling a bit off – perhaps due to doing a bit of ‘chemistry’ the night before – this is the movie to bring you back to baseline.
Full of ‘the feels’, Creed is a risky one to watch with the group, so we advise a solo viewing if you’re feeling a bit fragile. That’s not to say that this movie isn’t an excellent, tough-guy-makes-good kinda film, because it is. Sure to get your testosterone going, and remind you that it’s all going to work out ‘ok’, Creed is Rocky for a new generation, perfect those feeling a bit rocky themselves.
How could we not? The film that arguably kicked off the superhero mania that has taken the world by storm, Downey Jr’s performance as Tony Stark/Iron Man is as charming as the film is visually engaging. Coupled with a scintillating villainous performance from Jeff Bridges, Iron Man will undoubtedly make you feel like ‘you’ once again. And who are you? Hungover man.
Starring Nick Cage in his glory-days, Face/Off is almost as off-its-face as you were last night. Just bad enough to be great, Face/Off harks back to a time when the average cinemagoer was a bit simpler and easier to please – just like you might be right now thanks to your BA level.
Edge Of Tomorrow
One of the more action-heavy choices on this list, Edge Of Tomorrow makes you think, but not too much. Essentially, it’s a fantastic way to get your synapses firing again, without asking too much of you. Also, Emily Blunt.
Cabin In The Woods
Without giving too much away, Cabin In The Woods is one of the most original horror movies of all time. Supremely funny, a little bit spooky and smarter than you’ll initially give it credit for, this movie will engross you to the point where time is forgotten – hopefully by the time it ends, you’re feeling better.
Perhaps the slickest and most intelligent bond film, Skyfall is peak ‘Craig’ and boasts both brains and brawn. Boasting spies, villainy and a man’s insane plot to kill the head of MI6, this Bond movie is like two Panadols and a bacon and egg roll for your eyes.
Mad Max: Fury Road
Now this movie is not for the faint-of-hangover. Boasting exceedingly vivid imagery and some pretty hectic pacing, Fury Road is as epic as it is weird. And sometimes when you’re coping with your new life as a dust-lord, a movie that doesn’t apologise can be just the thing to break you from your zonk.
Thanks to its incredible art-direction and star-studded cast, 300 is a crowd favourite, whether you’ve had a huge one the night before or not. As an added bonus, the familiarity of it is highly comforting and the fantastic fight scenes will no doubt delight you once again, couch-spartan.
An excellent hangover movie for many reasons, Superbad is one of the all-time great comedies of the millennial zeitgeist. With a funky/soultastic soundtrack, witty repartee between stars Jonah Hill and Michael Cera – and of course, McLovin – this film rates highly in this list.
Jordan Peele’s Get Out is a masterpiece, there’s little doubt about it. But rather than focusing on the great comedy and visual style choices, it’s the numerous easter-eggs that make this film an epic hangover re-watch. Keep an eye out for references and clues that add layers upon layers to this already exquisite film. It also gives you something to think about other than your dry-eyeballs, which is great.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!” Starring Russell Crowe, Scott’s Gladiator is pure cinema, right there in your lounge room. Boasting a compelling plot, brilliant cast performances and very long running time, you’re guaranteed to feel OK about laying on the couch the entire time.
Snowpiercer just makes this list due to the sheer boldness of it. Supremely odd and at times, difficult to watch, watching Snowpiercer is a bit of a hangover unto itself – in that its a form of self-punishment. But damn, does it feel good once you get past the horrific imagery, thanks to an exceedingly creative plot. Dystopian, cold and grim, Snowpiercer may hit a bit close to home, but it’s absolutely worth it.
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Must-See Movie Trailers In May 2019
It’s official. We’ve trailer fever. There’s no doubt about it. In a world where Netflix and chill is the norm and enticing us to go out and catch a flick is getting harder, a trailer can lead a film to global success or miss its mark in the box office. As a result, we’ve seen an unprecedented effort put into the crafting of spine-tingling teasers and tantalising trailers. But the fact remains – not all trailers are made equal.
Here at Man of Many, we are huge fans on all things ‘film’. Whether it be clowns with an appetite for small children or music festivals from hell – if the trailers red-hot, we’ll have a gander and let you know about it. So without further ado, here is Man of Many’s list of Must-See Movie Trailers in May 2019.
IT Chapter Two Official Trailer
Our least favourite clown is back. Starring James McAvoy as Bill Denbrough, Jessica Chastain as Beverly Marsh and the hilarious Bill Hader as Richie Tozier, the trailer focuses in on Beverly and her hella creepy encounter with an old woman. The old woman, as it turns out, is Pennywise’s mother – and she’s almost as bloody frightening as her evil bastard of a son. Hold onto your balloons cos’ the final instalment of the IT film series is in theatres on the 9th of September.
Midsommar Official Trailer 1
The teaser trailer for A24’s ‘Midsommar’ was a slideshow of unsettling images, detailing a mysterious ‘festival’, with a rotten secret at its core. The new trailer tells us much more and reveals a film that could potentially rival the great ‘Hereditary’. Giving us more of an inkling as to the day-to-day at of the Midsommar festival, as well as raising the stakes – being dropping the main character who’s recovering from a tragedy into Splendour in the Grass for psycho’s – the Midsommar Official Trailer pulls back the veil on what we can expect without spoiling the whole bloody thing – and thankfully, it looks like we can expect nothing but the best. Midsommar hits cinemas in July.
Maleficent: Mistress Of Evil Teaser Trailer #1
The new trailer for Maleficent: Mistress Of Evil raises a lot of questions. For example, we can’t tell what’s pointier in this trailer: Maleficent’s horns or Angelina’s cheekbones? And, how many music producers does it take to ‘movie-trailer’ a song until it’s a pale spectre of its former self? Aside from this, the follow up to Disney’s hit ‘Maleficent’ does look pretty good, and will undoubtedly deliver on CGI, if nothing else when it hits Australian theatres in October.
Spider-Man: Far From Home Official Trailer #1
If you’re looking to fill that Avengers shaped hole in your soul, then the new Spider-Man: Far From Home trailer is your best bet. Set some time after the snap and subsequent unsnap – also why are these kids still in highschool? – Spider-Man has had enough and decides to take a vacay. But he can’t because he’s, well, Spider-Man – and Nick Fury has other ideas. Starring Tom Holland and Jake Gyllenhaal as supervillain Mysterio, Far From Home is in cinemas in July – which in our opinion, is still far too long. Get it together, Marvel.
Sonic The HedgeHog Trailer Official Trailer #1
The new Sonic the Hedgehog trailer pissed off an entire generation of gamers. Not because the plot looked dismal – which it does – but because of Sonic’s weird new face. Go ahead, google Sonic and compare the two whilst watching. Putting Sonics weird eyes aside, the trailer reveals that Sonic has a new human sidekick (James Marsden) and that Jim Carrey, despite some of his more serious roles, is still pretty much Ace Ventura underneath it all. Sonic The Hedgehog will be out this November.
Men In Black International Trailer #2
Starring Chris Hemsworth and his Valkyrie counterpart Tessa Thompson, the new Men In Black International trailer is all of your hype confirmed. Bigger and hopefully better than the third instalment of the franchise, the trailer is riddled with easter egg references to the original Men In Black. We learn that Thompson’s character has been searching for the MIB all her life, ever since her encounter with the third kind as a child. Now that she’s found MIB, she wants in. Watch two exceedingly good looking agents save our galaxy (and potentially others) in June.
Ophelia Trailer #1
Daisy Ridley stars in visionary Director Claire Mcarthy’s take on Shakespeare’s Hamlet – a story told from predominantly from Ophelia’s perspective this time. Also starring Clive Owens dodgy wig, the new trailer hints at a film that is not for the faint of heart – all we’re saying is, maybe bring a travel pack of Kleenex with you because seeing Rey get fucked over might be too much to handle. The harrowing Ophelia is in Australian theatres this June.
The Lodge Trailer #1
If you’re a fan of moody horror flicks then the Lodge Trailer will be right up your dark and dangerous alley. Starring Alicia Silverstone – that lovable ditz from Clueless – the Lodge appears to revolve around an evil cult, hell-bent on destroying the films cast. We might add that it actually looks terrifying, and there is not a skerrick of horror trope to be found in the trailer, just pure fright-fuel. The release date has unfortunately not been revealed yet, but we know it’s coming before the year is out, so plenty of time to #hype.
Our favourite in this list, the 21 Bridges trailer looks fkn epic and we’re assuming the movie will be too. Directed by the blokes who brought us Avengers Endgame, 21 Bridges stars Chadwick Aaron Boseman – a copper who’s having a really bad night. Luckily, so too are the thieves who set out to steal a small amount of cocaine and ended up finding nearly 300 kilos of the stuff. A city on lockdown, a conspiracy to unpack; there’s more than enough in this trailer to get your action-saliva glands going. 21 Bridges will hit theatres on July 12.
Booksmart Final Trailer
Do you feel like Superbad was one of the greatest comedies ever, unrivalled in its originality and casting? Us too. But now, there’s a new kid on the block – Olivia Wilde’s directorial debut, Booksmart is a tour de force in comedy. Boasting a 100% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, the premise is extremely similar to the Cera/Hill classic; a few nerdy high school friends out for the night of their lives before it all goes to shit, in the best possible way. However, Booksmart is said to be a new standard in comedy, completely original in its tone and has received nothing but rave reviews and praise – lucky for you, the wait isn’t long. Booksmart comes out at the end of the month.
WIN a Double Pass to the Glenmorangie Signet Speakeasy in Melbourne
Glenmorangie, the tasty tipple from Tain, is a household name in the wide world of whisky, and the elusive liquid already has many fans of its various expressions. Now, the much-lauded distillery is hosting an exclusive pop-up experience in the heart of Melbourne at the end of June, giving serious sippers an up-close and personal experience with their most celebrated and beloved whisky: Signet.
Signet, an innovative dram which was the first in the world to use roasted ‘chocolate’ barley, contains some of the most sought-after and exceptional casks in its make-up and has long been a favoured go-to for connoisseurs wanting something truly special in their glasses. Teaming up with iconic Melbourne diner Vue de Monde, Glenmorangie is hoping to show guests the different sides to this complex whisky over the course of three nights, at a secret warehouse location to be revealed closer to the date.
Displaying rich, complementary flavours of intense espresso, chocolate spices and mandarin, Signet is one of the most complex and pleasant whiskies in existence. Brendan McCarron, head of maturing stock at Glenmorangie’s distillery, will take attendees through the motions of Signet, with paired snacks from Vue de Monde’s award-winning kitchen. Starting in an espresso-infused, candlelit lobby, guests will move through secretive spaces which promise to unfold throughout the night, revealing theatrical surprises, in the temporary speakeasy set up.
Finally, all will end up in a mandarin grove (playfully dubbed ‘Linger Bar’) enjoying Glenmorangie Signet cocktails from Vue de Monde’s Lui Bar, which will stay open late after the immersive experience for those wanting to kick on.
The event, which runs from the 27th – 29th of June with four available sessions per night will set you back a clean AUD$80, which includes three cocktails, snacks throughout the night and, of course, a dram of Glenmorangie Signet.
Tickets to this awesome event are strictly limited–head to the website below to get yours before it’s too late.
One lucky reader will also WIN two tickets to this very exclusive event. To ENTER, check out the form below.
Game of Thrones – Season 8 Episode 6 Recap – The Long Goodbye
Previously on Game of Thrones: Dany laid waste to King’s Landing and thousands of unbelievable crybabies went online to soil themselves in anger and stupidity.
This week on Game of Thrones: it’s all over.
I’m not sure I can handle it.
But let’s see.
Tyrion is walking through what’s left of King’s Landing. He seems depressed. I guess it’s all the death that’s getting him down. Seeing the corpses of children seems to particularly bum him out. You’d think he’d have hardened up a bit over the years really. It’s a shame he can’t look on the bright side: most of the dead people were probably not that nice.
King’s Landing is not, admittedly, looking at its best, unless you’re a fan of the burnt-skeletons-and-rubble school of design. Tyrion bumps into Jon and Davos, who aren’t exactly bundles of sunshine themselves. Jon offers to send some men to accompany Tyrion as he walks towards certain death, but Tyrion tells him he’d rather undergo certain death on his own.
Meanwhile, Grey Worm is sentencing prisoners to die, just in case they missed the memo last week. Jon runs up and tells him you shouldn’t kill prisoners. Grey Worm says killing prisoners is basically what he’s all about now. He says the battle isn’t over until every enemy of the queen is defeated. Davos points out that these sad men on their knees look fairly defeated. Grey Worm is just mad for killing, though, and Jon has to let him do it, otherwise the Unsullied and the Northmen will have a big fight and everyone will die anyway. Jon goes off to see Dany and Grey Worm gets lopping.
Up in what I guess used to be the Red Keep but is now the Charred Ex-Keep, Tyrion wanders about in search of his siblings. He finds them hanging out under a gigantic pile of bricks. He starts to cry even though neither of them were very nice people, and Cersei in particular tried to kill him, like, loads of times. He is a very forgiving man, is Tyrion, and it’s nice that brotherly love can overcome even homicidal hatred.
Elsewhere in the wreckage, Arya is walking about. I thought she’d buggered off, but apparently she didn’t go very far. At the broken gates of the city, the Dothraki are assembled, feeling pretty chuffed at the way they killed all those people. Finally, someone who appreciates how much fun this has all been. Arya watches Jon make his way through the massed troops to the top of the steps, where Grey Worm is waiting, apparently having finished his executions and being a much faster walker than Jon is. Drogon flies overhead and the Dothraki are like, ha, that’s awesome.
Then Daenerys emerges, in a classic shot where Drogon is behind her and spreading his wings so it looks like SHE has wings, and everyone is like ahhhhh, symbolism!
Dany addresses her army, telling them they have all been good boys and killed all the people who she wanted them to kill, and now she is the Queen of everything. The Dothraki cheer and wave their sickles in joy. Dany tells Grey Worm he’s a cool guy and he can be in charge of all her armies from now on. He nods, reasonably satisfied with how his career is going but still not completely over his girlfriend being decapitated quite recently.
“But the war is not over,” Dany cries, and it’s like…really? I was fairly sure the war was over. Last week it really did look as if the war was over. But no, apparently the war is not over, because Dany wants to “liberate” the people of all the world: Winterfell, Dorne, some other places that we haven’t sene before. Presumably, she wants to “liberate” them the same way she “liberated” the people of King’s Landing: burning their homes and massacring them all.
Tyrion approaches Dany. She tells him he is a traitor because he freed Jaime. He tells her that she slaughtered a city, which in some ways is an even worse thing to do than freeing a brother. He takes off his Queen’s Hand pin and throws it away. All the watching troops are like “Oooooooohhhhhhhh!” and Dany orders Tyrion be taken away by her guards. As he goes he gives Jon a look: a look that says, “this is some real bullshit right here, dude”.
Dany also gives Jon a look: a look that says, “Goodbye, you huge jerkwad”. And then she walks away. Suddenly Arya appears by Jon’s side, giving Jon the third look he’s been given inside a minute. Arya notes that Dany is going to kill them all. She’s right too.
Jon visits Tyrion in a dungeon, a place that Tyrion is, by this stage in his life, quite used to being. Tyrion thinks it’s probably fair enough that he’s about to be burnt to death, given it’s his fault that Varys was burnt to death. Also he strangled his lover, killed his father and betrayed his queen, although to be fair that last one was very much the right move.
Jon tells Tyrion that the war is over, which is a weird thing to say after Dany said, specifically, that the war is not over. But that was in subtitles, and Jon doesn’t speak subtitles, so he still thinks the war is over, the poor idiot. Tyrion got the gist, though: he knows the war isn’t going to end until Dany murders everyone. Jon insists that Dany isn’t her father, which is, in a strictly genealogical sense, true. Tyrion notes that his whole family were psycho killers, but Dany has killed more people than them all put together, in one day. Jon says it’s easy to judge people for murdering thousands, but Dany had had a pretty stressful day. Tyrion points out that Jon wouldn’t have killed them, would he? Huh? HUH? WOULD HE?
Tyrion does a very good speech about how Dany has basically been slaughtering folks for years, and everyone cheered her on, so she now reckons slaughtering people is ace. It was written, obviously, before those wankers started their stupid petition, but it’s a pretty good response to them. You didn’t see this coming? Idiots.
Jon tells Tyrion that love is the death of duty. Tyrion tells Jon that duty is the death of love. It’s all very Oscar Wilde. Tyrion wants Jon to off Daenerys, before Daenerys offs Jon. Jon says that if she wants to off him, that’s fair enough because she’s the Queen. Good god, Jon is an almighty pussy.
Tyrion tries to argue with Jon on the basis that his sisters are absolutely going to cop it from Dany. Jon says his sisters will be loyal to Dany, because Jon is a colossal moron. He leaves, and walks broodingly off. Amid the ashes of the city, he runs into Drogon, who was having a nap under a pile of ashes. Drogon gives him a sniff but finds him uninteresting. Jon wanders away to ponder whether he should remain loyal to the Queen, or whether he should do what is obviously the right thing which only a complete twat would refuse to do, honestly Jon wake up to yourself.
Meanwhile, Dany has found the Iron Throne itself, still intact even though the Throne Room has been completely trashed. She walks up to it slowly, appreciating the extremely cinematic nature of the moment. She regards it with wide, psychotic eyes. She touches it. She takes a deep breath. She turns. She sees Jon, who has arrived to harsh her buzz.
Jon tells Dany that executing prisoners is not cool. Also, that burning children to death is not cool. Dany reckons it’s Cersei’s fault for not being friends. Jon asks Dany to forgive Tyrion and stop, like, killing everyone for god’s sake. “The world we need won’t be built by men loyal to the world we have,” says Dany, crazily. Jon reckons mercy is good. Dany agrees, with the caveat that you can’t have mercy until basically everyone is dead. She asks Jon to be her partner, both in killing everyone and in red-hot incest. It’s a good offer, and Jon knows it.
“You are my Queen,” Jon says, “now, and always”, and with that he kisses her passionately, holding her close, embracing the woman he loves more than anything, and…
STABBING HER IN THE GUTS.
He did it.
He totally did it.
He stuck a knife right into the Mother of Dragons, and he killed her dead.
He gave up love and hot sex with his aunt, for the sake of all the people in the world who would rather not be burnt to death or have their heads cut off by mad horsemen.
He did what needed to be done. Like Ned Stark said, he who pronounces the sentence should wield the sword, and Jon Snow has just bloody well gone and DONE IT.
Drogon shows up, and this does not look good for our kid. The dragon sees his mum dead, and is very upset. Like…SUPER upset. He does some mournful dragon crying and nudges Dany’s body like a sad puppy and it’s emotional. He looks at Jon. He opens his mouth.
But he doesn’t burn Jon. Instead he sends his fire straight at the Iron Throne. Somehow, deep in his dumb dragon heart, Drogon knows that the real cause of his mum’s death is that frigging chair, and he melts it like the Ark of the Covenant melts Nazi faces. Then he picks Dany up and flies away, while Jon, tear-stained and guilt-ridden, watches.
What can you say about a 23-year-old girl who died? That she was beautiful, and brilliant? That she loved dragons, and thrones, and murder, and Jon Snow?
RIP Dany. You were a genocidal maniac, but you were OUR genocidal maniac, and we loved you.
In his dungeon, Tyrion lies on the floor, remembering happier days, in more cheerful dungeons. The door opens. It is Grey Worm. Tyrion is marched in chains to the courtyard, where he faces a panel much like those assembled for the ABC’s political debate program Q&A.
On the panel: Arya; Sansa; Davos; Bran; Brienne; Yara; some guy from Dorne; some other guys. It’s a cast reunion, like they have on Survivor. Even Sam is there! Hi, Sam! Sansa asks where Jon is. Grey Worm says he’s their prisoner, because of the whole Queen-murder thing. Sansa says if they hurt Jon Snow, her Northern army will bitch slap them. Grey Worm says that his Unsullied army will bitch slap her right back.
Yara chimes in to say that Daenerys was her Queen and she doesn’t much appreciate Jon stabbing her like that, so as far as she’s concerned the Unsullied can do what they want with him. Arya says that if Yara keeps talking shit about Jon, she will cut Yara’s throat: the two women having no love for each other despite the natural bond that comes with your names being anagrams.
Davos steps in to calm everyone down. He says maybe it’d be nice if everyone stopped killing each other. He offers Grey Worm The Reach, for the Unsullied to settle and build new lives for themselves, although obviously not for that long since raising children is an unlikely goal for them.
Grey Worm replies that he does not want the Reach, he just wants to kill Jon. Tyrion says that it’s not up to Grey Worm: only the king or queen can decide what’s to be done with Jon. Veteran character actor Rupert Vansittart points out that they don’t have a king or queen. Tyrion says well they better bloody pick one then. Everyone looks tense: obviously Sansa and Yara and the Dorne guy and veteran character actor Rupert Vansittart and the other guys all WANT to be king or queen…but it seems gauche to say so out loud.
Edmure Tully, the guy who got married at the Red Wedding and who nobody ever liked including his own father because he’s a dickhead, stands up and starts to make a long and verbose speech. Sansa tells him to sit down and zip it. Everyone laughs on the inside.
Suddenly, Sam floats a radical idea: what if, instead of just a small group of inbred toffs deciding who the king is, all the people who were actually going to be ruled over got a say? And then, just when it seems like Sam is about to invent democracy, all the others laugh their inbred heads off and Sam sits down, humiliated.
Tyrion is the only one there who doesn’t want to be king. Davos asks him who he thinks should rule. Tyrion says that what unites people is “stories”. “There’s nothing more powerful in the world than a good story,” he says. It seems like he’s about to suggest George RR Martin be king. But no, he actually thinks Bran should be the king, because he’s got a great story: chucked out a window, can’t walk, but then turns into a magic dude who can get inside birds’ brains.
Tyrion is overlooking the fact that Bran is now a creepy dead-eyed weirdo who doesn’t care about anything, of course. Sansa points out that he’s also overlooking the fact that Bran doesn’t want to be king, and he can’t produce an heir because his junk broke when Jaime gave him the old window-shove. Tyrion says that’s actually good, because people who want to be king suck, and kings’ sons suck even more, eg Joffrey.
Tyrion suggests that the monarchy be no longer hereditary, but that the future kings and queens be chosen right here, by the heads of Westeros’s great houses, as is happening right now. See, this is how you do it, Sam. Incremental reform, rather than spooking people with radical social realignments. Tyrion has won them over.
Bran says he is willing to be king, presumably because a raven told him to or some stupid thing. All the assembled lords say that’s OK with them, except for Sansa, who says screw you guys, the North is going to be its own thing. Nobody minds this because frankly the North smells funny anyway.
Everyone hails Bran the Broken, king of the Six Kingdoms. Only six, now, because Sansa is so uppity.
Bran chooses Tyrion to be his Hand. Tyrion doesn’t want to be. Bran doesn’t care. Grey Worm wants Tyrion punished. Bran couldn’t give less of a shit what Grey Worm wants. He’s off to a flying start.
Later, in the dungeons, Tyrion visits Jon and tells him that he’s going to be sent to the Night’s Watch, just like old times. The Unsullied want him dead, and the Starks want him not-dead, so the Night’s Watch, being like death, but colder, is a reasonable compromise.
“I don’t expect we’ll see each other again,” says Jon. “I wouldn’t be so sure,” says Tyrion, who has every intention of pissing off to the Wall as soon as he gets the chance, because spending your life looking at Bran’s creepy eyes is just more than anyone can stand.
Everyone is leaving. Jon is off to the Wall. The Unsullied are sailing to Naath, which is where Missandei is from, because Grey Worm hears it is nice there and the people are probably crying out for a big gang of surly eunuchs to come hang out with them.
Jon says an emotional goodbye to Sansa and Arya. Arya reveals that she is not returning to the north, but rather has decided to sail west, to where the maps stop. So presumably she’ll be fish food in a few weeks. Jon also says goodbye to Bran, but it’s not an emotional goodbye because Bran is incapable of feeling emotion.
In a quiet room, Brienne of Tarth is going through the record books. She begins editing Jaime’s entry in the knightly archives, Westeros’s version of Wikipedia. She thinks it’s important that Jaime get credit for all the cool stuff he did, as well as the frankly terrible things. “Died protecting his Queen” is the final sentence she writes, which is very gracious of her, because she could’ve written, “had his world rocked by Brienne of Tarth’s sweet bod”.
In the Small Council room, Tyrion arranges the chairs. It is now a very small council indeed, because Tyrion is the only one in it so far. Oh, but here come the others: Davos, Sam and Bronn. Bronn! So he got a happy ending. In more ways than one, knowing him.
Sam presents Tyrion with a book. It is the history of the wars that began with Robert’s death. It is called “A Song of Ice and Fire”. “I helped him with the title,” says Sam, and the whole cast turns to the camera, winks, and does jazz hands. Sam reveals that Tyrion is not mentioned in the book at all, so it’s a terrible book that needs some serious revisions.
Bran and Brienne arrive. The Small Council is complete. Oh, and Podrick is a knight now, which is nice. Everyone hails King Bran and says they hope he doesn’t die too soon. Pod wheels Bran off to look for Drogon using his magic brain. The council engages in a robust debate over whether funding ships or funding brothels should take precedence. It’s all quite jolly.
Up north, Jon arrives at Castle Black. Tormund is waiting for him. The Wildlings are waiting for him. And…yes! Ghost is waiting for him! He gives Ghost a pat. Are you happy now, internet whingers?
On board a ship bound for god knows where, Arya looks proudly towards her future as a corpse at the bottom of the sea.
At Winterfell, Sansa walks by her subjects, who kneel before her, and crown her Queen in the North. All the northern people waggle their swords and shout.
Back at the Wall, Jon rides north, with Tormund and the Wildlings. The gate closes. He rides on. So I guess he’s a Wildling now. Good for him. It’s what Ygritte would have wanted.
And…that’s it. Jon is a Wildling. Sansa is a queen. Arya is a pirate or something. Bran is a king. Ned Stark would be proud, and/or horrified.
It’s all over. No more Game of Thrones. We stand bereft on the precipice of a new era in dull, dragon-less television. What are we supposed to do now? Watch Big Little Lies? Piss off.
Life goes on. But is it worth living anymore? Only time will tell.
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